Since Chinese New Year is still ongoing and I didn't get to touch any mahjong during my trip back to M'sia, this weekend has been like a mahjong make-up session. I played at Chris's house on Saturday and won $18 then I played at Mike's condo by the sea a few hours ago. Keong kindly sent me home at 11.40 pm and I rushed to get to sleep since I have to be up at 6 am. But I can't get to sleep. I'm very awake with so many thoughts running around in my head so I might as well come online and write them down. Perhaps I will feel more settled once I've done that.

I've been quite touchy recently and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's that time of the month, maybe it is long overdue. Suddenly I feel tired of being the one who is always in charge of organizing and planning events for the groups. Before Chinese New Year, I actually blew up at my friends for cancelling our plans for dinner because they told me extremely last minute. We were supposed to meet for dinner and they only informed me at 6 pm when I got off work. Plus it was everyone cancelling at the same time. I got real pissed because I had cancelled dinner with family because of them and they really should have let me know sooner so that I could at least still go for dinner with my parents. Of course they were all sorry and apologized and I forgave them and we were supposed to put this all behind us. But then today Keong said something that made me think about this all again. He was telling his friend that I was the "mother" of the group and was good at cooking and taking care of people and that everyone called me "mother". This, of course, is not true. Only Mantou calls me Ma and the rest just call me Wei Wei. Still it got me thinking. Do everyone really see me as the mother figure? Do everyone automatically expect me to always do the planning and the cooking and all that? I really hate to admit it but I think so and this does not sit well with me. I guess I'm tired of being the one that everyone relies and depends on. I'm tired of being the problem solver and I'm tired of people only coming to me when they want something from me or want me to do something for them. I want people to step up and stop letting me be the authorative figure. I guess Steph was right.

So I have decided. For the next few months, I'm going to stop organizing gatherings and outings. I'm going to stop planning for people's birthdays and worrying about what to get them. I'm going to take a break and see if anyone actually steps up. Perhaps it was my fault for being so assertive and always being the first to initiate plans. So now I'm going to stop, right after the dinner I have planned for the coming Saturday and maybe a Ubin cycling trip the Saturday after. Hey, old habits die hard and I do really want to go to Ubin. Haha!!!